***NEWSFLASH*** SHARON THREATENS TO EAT PALESTINE WITH IRON SPOON

-by Zeljko Cipris

Tel Aviv, 5/13/05

Speaking to a graduating class at the Zeev Zhabotinsky Imperial University, Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon regaled the newly unemployed young people with colorful stories of his heroic deeds as a veteran fighter against Palestinian civilians.

"Let me tell you, some of those old folks put up quite a fight," Mr. Sharon exclaimed with a nostalgic smile, "and the children were veritable little demons. Our enemies were countless, formidably organized, and armed with the latest weapons. Yet we battled those pesky natives intrepidly and at last prevailed, with the help of God and Uncle Sam. When our bouncing little state was born, Messrs Truman and Stalin sent us congratulatory telegrams."

Prime Minister Sharon accompanied his lecture with a gripping PowerPoint presentation entitled "The Virtual Oasis: How the Chosen People Without a Land Made the Desert Bloom in a Godforsaken Land Without a People Except for a Few Unwashed Savages."

During a lively question-and-answer session following the stirring event, Mr. Sharon explained that anyone who criticizes Israel is a blackhearted knave, and swore to defend the Israeli fortress of freedom to the last molecule of his adipose tissue. "Thanks to our Zionist spirit and modest material support from the Free World," he declared, "we shall forever retain our sacred liberty to do as we please."

Asked about the gargantuan Iron Spoon, one of his favorite projects, Prime Minister Sharon replied it will help keep the Palestinians from moaning about their rights. "If those stubborn creatures do anything else to displease me," Mr. Sharon growled with a merry twinkle in his eye, "I will scoop up the rest of their miserable little land, and gobble it up!"

Sharon's legendary appetite has contributed to his shapely cannonball physique that is the pride of the settler state of Israel and a symbol of its healthy democracy. "General Sharon is so zaftig," commented a starry-eyed member of the audience, "and you better believe it he'll roll over anyone who stands in his way of peace."

"Prime Minister Sharon is a man of peace," reaffirmed President Bush, seated in the front row as Israel's guest of honor and holding hands with his warmly smiling Secretary of State. "If he ever becomes a Romanian Catholic," added the President thoughtfully, "we'll tell the Vatican to make him a saint."

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Zeljko Cipris is a professor at the University of the Pacific, and can be reached at zcipris@pacific.edu.