Jake Hess

Note: This satire first appeared in This Is Not The News (TINTN), the alternative student weekly at heavily pro-Israel Clark University in Worcester, MA. Upon publication there, it caused an uproar. "Clark Students for Israel" does not actually exist. The Amnesty International citation, however, does.

A squadron of Israeli soldiers, with the help of Caterpillar D-9 armored bulldozers, demolished Dana Hall early yesterday morning. Paramedics from a nearby hospital, who were fired upon by the IDF troops while attempting to evacuate injured people, fear that dozens of students were fatally crushed under the rubble.

The move was carried out at the behest of Clark Students for Israel, who said the dormitory was in the way of a Jewish-only walking path currently under construction. "Now that this evil menace has been vanquished, the onward march of apartheid can resume", the organization said in a press release.

Alasdair Buck, the group's Undersecretary of Ethnic Cleansing, told TINTN he fully anticipated the civilian deaths. "We're just following standard Israeli protocol - you didn't expect us to provide advance warning of the demolition, did you?" he asked, calling such an idea "a throwback to Nazism…clearly anti-Semitic".

"Once again, Students for Israel is replicating the brave work of the Israeli army", Samia Joubleh, the organization's Minister for the Advancement of Torture, added. She specifically mentioned an April 2002 incident in Nablus, a major Palestinian city in the West Bank. "Allow me to quote from Amnesty International: 'three children…aged four, seven and nine years, their pregnant mother and four other relatives died under the rubble of their house which was demolished by the IDF...during a period of strict curfew. The IDF had given no warning before beginning to destroy the house.' That's good shit right there," she boasted.

Joubleh regretted to report that two survivors were later pulled from the wreckage of that home, 6 days after the fact. "It's too bad Israel lifted the curfew for two hours…if only they denied medical access to injured civilians a bit longer, shot up a few more ambulances", she said, fighting back tears. For this reason, Students for Israel is seeking to deny medical personnel access to Dana Hall for at least two weeks.

The dorm was razed by Israeli veterans of the siege of Jenin. "These visionaries destroyed hundreds of Palestinian homes, leaving 4,000 people, overwhelmingly civilians, homeless", Students for Israel's press release explained. "Much of the destruction took place after hostilities had ceased. It was an honor to work with them."

Israel has destroyed roughly 4,200 Palestinian homes since September 2000, leaving tens of thousands of innocent people homeless. The policy is considered collective punishment by human rights groups, a flagrant violation of international law. Yet it would be unfair to say that Israel is unique in this regard; one other state, Saddam Hussein's Iraq, has used home demolitions as a punitive measure.

Buck said the path should be completed by November. It will be six feet wide and stretch 70 yards. The UN is building a refugee camp in front of Jonah Clark hall to accommodate the displaced students.