Bye-bye Birdie: A New Presidential Seal

- By Lindsay M. Levesque

(Lights up on the oval office. PRESIDENT DUBYA sits at his desk reading a pop-up book with serious interest. The VICE PRESIDENT enters.)

VICE PRESIDENT


Mr. President?

DUBYA


Huh?

VICE PRESIDENT


You wanted to see me, Sir?

DUBYA


Uh. Yeah. I've been doing some research here.

(Dubya shows the book.)

DUBYA (Cont'd)


Is it possible Saddam placed the weapons of mass destruction on a flying carpet and hid them in some far off place where we'd never look…like Rhode Island.

VICE PRESIDENT


No, Sir. That's not possible.

DUBYA


Did we even check Rhode Island?

VICE PRESIDENT


The WMDs are not in Rhode Island, Sir.

DUBYA


Could he have wished - you know, with a genie - to make them invisible?

VICE PRESIDENT


No, Sir. Aladin was not his military advisor.

DUBYA


Hey, I tried. Hoowee! Now, is that all you wanted to see me about?

VICE PRESIDENT


You called me here.

DUBYA


Uh…I know that. I mean, is there anything you would like to see me about that you just hadn't asked to see me about yet?

VICE PRESIDENT


Well, Sir, I planned to stop by later and tell you that you will need to clear out of the office from twelve-hundred hours to fourteen-hundred hours tomorrow.

(Dubya stares at him blankly.)

VICE PRESIDENT


Noon till two. Lunch and nap time.

DUBYA


Why?

VICE PRESIDENT


Maintenance.

DUBYA


Well, it's a good thing you told me! I could have left some top-secret stuff lying around and anyone-

VICE PRESIDENT


Who gave you top-secret stuff?

(Dubya is silent.)

VICE PRESIDENT


Mr. President?...Mr. President?

DUBYA


Okay, okay. I don't have any. But tell me what you're gonna do in here! I'm the president and this is my office!

(The Vice President stands stoically.)

DUBYA


Please! Please!

VICE PRESIDENT


Fine. I'm taking out the eagle.

DUBYA


What eagle?

VICE PRESIDENT


The bald eagle. On the seal.

DUBYA


An eagle and a seal? Are they your pets?

VICE PRESIDENT


No! No! From the seal. The one on your desk and the big one on your carpet.

DUBYA


The eagle with the arrows and the plant?

VICE PRESIDENT


Olive branch. Right. We have to get rid of that eagle.

DUBYA


But you're gonna keep the seal? Do you at least have a pool for it to swim in?

VICE PRESIDENT


Sir, I want to take this eagle off this seal and replace it. Think. What do you see when you look at it?

DUBYA


Umm…Piercing eyes…Sharp beak…Alert posture…Large, strong wings…

VICE PRESIDENT


Now, is that the image we really want to convey?

DUBYA


Um…No?

VICE PRESIDENT


Of course not! And what do you think I'm going to replace it with?

DUBYA


Oh! How about one of those African animals? Like a giraffe? I bet Colin knows how to draw one!

VICE PRESIDENT


Lumbricus terrestris.

DUBYA


I don't speak Asian.

VICE PRESIDENT


A worm.

DUBYA


Ew!

VICE PRESIDENT


I anticipated that reaction sir, but think about it.

(Vice President whips out a rolled up parchment. He tacks it to the wall.)

VICE PRESIDENT (Cont'd)


This is an earthworm. What do you see here?

DUBYA


Um…nothing.

VICE PRESIDENT


You are on fire today, Sir! All that Sesame Street you have been watching must be working out. Yes, nothing. No piercing eyes…or any eyes. It can't see a burned-out Baghdad. No ears, so it can't hear whiny people crying "We need jobs." No heart, so it can just go on using weapons to mow down ungrateful Iraqis and sell the rest to Israel to take out those pesky Palestinians. And, best of all, its skin secretes a mucus coating. Nothing sticks to it, so when, say, people start clamoring about imaginary WMDs, and an eagle would have to fly in full view of all the ungrateful accusing people, this happy worm can slip away into the nice safe dirt.

DUBYA


Don't worms eat dead bodies?

VICE PRESIDENT


And you've certainly been no slouch at producing those, Sir!

DUBYA


We'll be eating like kings!

(Lights down.) Lindsay M. Levesque is 21 a dramatic writing major and Spanish minor at New York University. She appreciates feedback at: LML246@nyu.edu

Discussion List Issues: Debating Differences Between Vietnam and Iraq (1) Debating Differences Between Vietnam and Iraq (2) The Present Crisis of US Imperialism Is Marxism Still Relevant? (1) Is Marxism Still Relevant? (2) Is Marxism Still Relevant? (3) To join our discussion list, go here Join Our Info. List:
Search Site
Our Links

CounterPunch

Monthly Review

Z Net

Marxism List

Stan Goff's Blog

International Socialist Review

Brings the Troops Home Now

Critical Montage Blog

Dissident Voice

Seven Oaks

Against the Grain

Global Resistance Network

Electronic Intifada

Electronic Iraq

Press Action

Left Turn

Green Left Weekly

Resist

Traveling Soldier

Radical Activist Network

League of Independent Voters

Labor Net

Labor Notes

Inequality.org

Swans

New Left Review

Infoshop

Illegal Voices

Clamor Magazine

Jews Against the Occupation

Democracy Now

Committee for Social Justice in Columbia

Venezuela Analysis

Act Against War

New Spark Productions

Socialism & Democracy

Environmentalists Against War

Earth First

Alliance for Sustainable Jobs and Environment

Rainforest Action Network

Food First

Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR)

Free Higher Education