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Bye-bye Birdie: A New Presidential Seal
- By Lindsay M. Levesque
(Lights up on the oval office. PRESIDENT DUBYA sits at his desk reading a pop-up book with serious interest. The VICE PRESIDENT enters.)
VICE PRESIDENT
Mr. President?
DUBYA
Huh?
VICE PRESIDENT
You wanted to see me, Sir?
DUBYA
Uh. Yeah. I've been doing some research here.
(Dubya shows the book.)
DUBYA (Cont'd)
Is it possible Saddam placed the weapons of mass destruction on a flying carpet and hid them in some far off place where we'd never look…like Rhode Island.
VICE PRESIDENT
No, Sir. That's not possible.
DUBYA
Did we even check Rhode Island?
VICE PRESIDENT
The WMDs are not in Rhode Island, Sir.
DUBYA
Could he have wished - you know, with a genie - to make them invisible?
VICE PRESIDENT
No, Sir. Aladin was not his military advisor.
DUBYA
Hey, I tried. Hoowee! Now, is that all you wanted to see me about?
VICE PRESIDENT
You called me here.
DUBYA
Uh…I know that. I mean, is there anything you would like to see me about that you just hadn't asked to see me about yet?
VICE PRESIDENT
Well, Sir, I planned to stop by later and tell you that you will need to clear out of the office from twelve-hundred hours to fourteen-hundred hours tomorrow.
(Dubya stares at him blankly.)
VICE PRESIDENT
Noon till two. Lunch and nap time.
DUBYA
Why?
VICE PRESIDENT
Maintenance.
DUBYA
Well, it's a good thing you told me! I could have left some top-secret stuff lying around and anyone-
VICE PRESIDENT
Who gave you top-secret stuff?
(Dubya is silent.)
VICE PRESIDENT
Mr. President?...Mr. President?
DUBYA
Okay, okay. I don't have any. But tell me what you're gonna do in here! I'm the president and this is my office!
(The Vice President stands stoically.)
DUBYA
Please! Please!
VICE PRESIDENT
Fine. I'm taking out the eagle.
DUBYA
What eagle?
VICE PRESIDENT
The bald eagle. On the seal.
DUBYA
An eagle and a seal? Are they your pets?
VICE PRESIDENT
No! No! From the seal. The one on your desk and the big one on your carpet.
DUBYA
The eagle with the arrows and the plant?
VICE PRESIDENT
Olive branch. Right. We have to get rid of that eagle.
DUBYA
But you're gonna keep the seal? Do you at least have a pool for it to swim in?
VICE PRESIDENT
Sir, I want to take this eagle off this seal and replace it. Think. What do you see when you look at it?
DUBYA
Umm…Piercing eyes…Sharp beak…Alert posture…Large, strong wings…
VICE PRESIDENT
Now, is that the image we really want to convey?
DUBYA
Um…No?
VICE PRESIDENT
Of course not! And what do you think I'm going to replace it with?
DUBYA
Oh! How about one of those African animals? Like a giraffe? I bet Colin knows how to draw one!
VICE PRESIDENT
Lumbricus terrestris.
DUBYA
I don't speak Asian.
VICE PRESIDENT
A worm.
DUBYA
Ew!
VICE PRESIDENT
I anticipated that reaction sir, but think about it.
(Vice President whips out a rolled up parchment. He tacks it to the wall.)
VICE PRESIDENT (Cont'd)
This is an earthworm. What do you see here?
DUBYA
Um…nothing.
VICE PRESIDENT
You are on fire today, Sir! All that Sesame Street you have been watching must be working out. Yes, nothing. No piercing eyes…or any eyes. It can't see a burned-out Baghdad. No ears, so it can't hear whiny people crying "We need jobs." No heart, so it can just go on using weapons to mow down ungrateful Iraqis and sell the rest to Israel to take out those pesky Palestinians. And, best of all, its skin secretes a mucus coating. Nothing sticks to it, so when, say, people start clamoring about imaginary WMDs, and an eagle would have to fly in full view of all the ungrateful accusing people, this happy worm can slip away into the nice safe dirt.
DUBYA
Don't worms eat dead bodies?
VICE PRESIDENT
And you've certainly been no slouch at producing those, Sir!
DUBYA
We'll be eating like kings!
(Lights down.)
Lindsay M. Levesque is 21 a dramatic writing major and Spanish minor at New York University. She appreciates feedback at:
LML246@nyu.edu
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